Wrong Place, Right Time...

One day last week, I was in the wrong place at the right time. I stumbled upon a big bag of weed, a loaded 9mm handgun and a dead guy laying in the alley.
A couple of days later, I was in the right place at the wrong time. We had meatloaf for dinner at my parents' place. I hate meatloaf.
I should have been there for lunch because my mother made grilled cheese sandwiches and I love grilled cheese sandwiches.

Some rhetorical questions.

What would the world be like if we burped out of our assholes and farted out of our mouths?

Do you have to be married to be a 'sex addict'? It sure looks that way.

Do you know what I learned from watching Tiger Woods' press conference yesterday? He should lose some weight and he should always wear a baseball cap to cover up that fucked up head and receding hairline. His forehead is gaining on Rihanna's and Mark McGwire's.

Does every girl in America have a naked picture of themselves on the internet? Not that they planned it that way. Just ended up on the 'net and that'll bite 'em in the ass one day.

Why do 'emo' girls (whatever that is?) feel the need to fuck their faces up when they are taking nude pictures of themselves (a lot of the time with girlfriends) in the mirror? And, do they not know the mirror is usually pretty dirty and the pictures have a pretty good chance of winding up on the internet? (Amazing how a whole group of impressionable, dumb girls scrunch their lips up because it is a trend. They are like sheep. Yeah, we followed trends as kids, just not ones that made us look stupid.)

Did you know that my cock thinks it is black?

Don't you think the people on 'Teen Mom' eat out a lot? And, I don't think they have a lot of money. I can't remember if they ate out a lot on '16 and Pregnant'.

Do you think Mark McGwire has a bigger forehead than Rihanna?

Do you think Stephen Hawking is faking it? I think he just comes across as real smart because he looks so fucked up. I little coherence goes a long way when you're a vegetable (or look like one).

Do you think Nike would have been as successful if they used the slogan "Go on, give it a try." instead of "Just Do It."?

Why do I have to wash my hands after I take a piss, but a chick will go down on me without hesitation or so much as a drop of Purell?

Is 40 really the new 20? 'Cause I thought 30 was the new 20 and 40 was the new 30. (I am really good at math.) What about anal? Is anal the new vaginal? Are guns the new knives? Are guns the new fists? Who started this whole 40-30-20 shit anyhow? I don't care, but when I fuck a 20 year-old, she can be 40, 30 or really 20. I am just horny. Pass it on.

Is it just me or is Rihanna starting to look like a rooster? A bit of advice to her: cover that billboard you call a forehead.

Why do they say "All men are created equal", when this is not true? I don't care what Thomas Jefferson says.
All men are not created equal, but all men should be treated equal.

When was the last time you heard someone say, "Shake 'em baby, you won't break 'em."? Yeah, it's been a long time. Ladies, for our (men's) sake, shake 'em once in a while.

Did you know that Subway has prepaid sub cards? And they have had them for about 3 years now. (I just found out.) The only person that I can think of who eats enough Subway sandwiches to warrant a prepaid, reloadable sub card is Jared Fogle.

How many more cell phones are the manufacturers going to make and how many more are the sheep going to buy?

What's with Katy Perry? I don't know what she did, but she is blessed with some absolutely unattractive physical features. No hair-do can fix that face.

Have you gone into a McDonald's lately? How things have changed. I can't even find a goddamn hamburger on the menu.

Why the (somewhat) recent use of the term 'binge drinking'? I have always known it simply as 'drinking' (without the apostrophes).

Why did the term 'Freshman 15' (referring to weight gain in your first year of college/university) not exist when I went to post-secondary school?

Does anyone ever eat a bologna sandwich on whole wheat bread? And, if they did, would that be right?

Did you notice that msn.com shows the numbers for the Dow, NASDAQ and S & P, while msn.ca shows the numbers for the S&P/TSX (not to be confused with the S&P on msn.com), the Dow Jones and the Canadian dollar vs. the U.S. dollar? That's not fair to the Canadians, but, fuck 'em for being insignificant.

Do any guys out there ever suffer from 'mature' ejaculation? And, if they do, what is it?

Did you know that my girfriend has not shaved her pussy in, like, 4 years? That's because I do it. You should try it.

Did Alecia Moore make a good decision? I don't think so. I would have went with 'Taco' instead of 'Pink', had I chosen a career in music. Then again, I am just craving Mexican right now.

Moon Landing.

If they faked the moon landing, you know a woman was in charge because it seemed real to me.

I got 3 words for you...

Go fuck yourself. Shall we begin? Let's get started. Drop the needle. Drop dead gorgeous. Drop your drawers. Give and go. Go away home. Bow your head. Let us pray. Praise the Lord. Fuck the world. Wear a condom. Blow me dry. Call me dusty. Feel my pain. Settle the score. Nice putt, Alliss. No means no. Four more years. Bait and switch. Shake your booty. Catch and release. Compile a list. Stock the shelves. No parking anytime. Check the facts. Walk the walk. Talk the talk. Release the hounds. Settle the score. Bone up, baby. Set the table. Suck my wake. Eat my dust. Eat my shit. Eat my pussy. Butter your muffin. Steal the show. Fuck my pussy. Fuck me harder. No means harder. Wives and girlfriends. Sign here, please. Watch your mouth. Follow my lead. Follow the leader. Turn it up. Tune in tomorrow. Answer the phone. Pull the trigger. Pull my finger. Pull a prank. Pull no punches. Spike the punch. Punch the clock. Punch and Judy. Shirk your responsibility. Wag the dog. Fuck the dog. Screw the pooch. Frequently Asked Questions. Swallow your pride. Pride and prejudice. Lessen the blow. At all costs. To the finish. Make ends meet. Shut your hole. Shut the door. Fly the coop. Fly the skies. Skis 'n boots. Boots or Hearts. Trip and fall. Call the number. Join the forces. Fshizzle my dizzle. Rub my back. Here, drink this. Burp and fart. Call the cops. Here I am. Where are you? Over the moon. Over the mountain. Get over yourself. Get a life. Close the door. Open a window. Light a match. Spin the wheel. I miss you. I love you. Hugs and kisses. Rape and pillage. Spit or swallow. Coffee or tea. Cash or credit. Red or white. She's a beauty. Take a chance. Live it up. Just do it. This is stupid. Consider the facts. What's the plan? Leave your mark. Take a picture. Read my lips. Go for it. Sink the ship. Buy a vowel. Let it ride. Let 'er rip. Tip a cow. Tip your server. Get me one. Take a shit. Drop a load. Float a log. Float a tuna. Root beer float. Ebony and Ivory. Cream and sugar. Bob and weave. Hit and run. Mix it up. Let me out. Dare to compare. Chew the fat. Shoot the breeze. Shoot the shit. Shoot the moon. Shoot the messenger. File a complaint. Count your blessings. Write this down. Put it away. Put it in. Slide it in. Lick it up. Spark it up. All lit up. Heaven's on fire. Snap, Crackle, Pop. A sizable donation. Flip the bird. Gain your composure. Clean your plate. Clean your clock. Clean your room. Room to move. The big picture. Flush the toilet. Brush your teeth. Powder your nose. Run for it. Break the chain. Break a leg. Break the monotony. Break and enter. Ain't my job. Ain't my kid. Ain't my problem. Ain't love grand? Rest in peace. It's 'Go' time. Send a text. File under 'G'. Open it up. Ask your mum. Shake the bug. Rock the establishment. Rock the boat. Rock the vote. Rock and Roll. Who's got tickets? Pile it on. Chuck you, Farley. Ham it up. Ham and Swiss. Hammy the hamster. Stop the presses. Cut your losses. Cut it out. Cut the cord. Boil some water. Stand and deliver. Hustle and flow. Twist and shout. Dog eat dog. Hang 'em high. Till the end. In the end. End it now. Our dearly departed. With deepest regret. Get a job. Cut your hair. Ride to live. Live to ride. Around the bend. Down the street. Down a beer. Run with it. On the run. Runnin' on empty. Fire it up. Have a pull. Take a drag. Cross your legs. Follow that car. Way back when. Fix your hair. Fix your package. Get your fix. Jump the fence. Jump the shark. Jump your bones. Blow your wad. Blow your nose. Blow your man. Light it up. Time will tell. Lick your wounds. Lickin' my chops. A better offer. Or best offer. Tax and tip. Tax and spend. Go for it. Ride the rocket. Yo Yo Yo. Yo Yo Ma. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk. Up your kilt. Send a card. File your taxes. Step on it. Spare some change? Change your underwear. Buy and sell. Crash and burn. At your request. Available upon request. Jerk yourself off. Sit 'n spin. Stop and go. Stop the insanity. Jump for joy. Hail a cab. Cop a feel. Cops and robbers. Go to bed. Binge and purge. Grievous bodily harm. Stop that man. I hear ya. As per you. Flip 'em over. Spruce it up. Fuck it up. Fuck it altogether. Blow your mind. Ready, Aim, Fire. Ready the troops. Take your man. Cover your man. Shave your pussy. Shave her pussy. Suck my balls. Slice of bread. Bread and water. Bottle of pop. Bag of chips. Pop and chips. Fork and knife. Spaghetti and meatballs. Fish and chips. Burger and fries. HP and CB. Fuck me now. Fuck me hard. Cut the crap. Cut the lawn. Rake the lawn. Mow the lawn. Push it in. Pull it out. Pull the shoot. Pull your goalie. Pulled pork sandwiches. Flash your badge. Flash your tits. Whip 'em out. Shake 'em, baby. Stir the pot. Smoke some pot. Pot-bellied pig. Smoke my pole. Roll a joint. Puff, puff, pass. Pass the puck. Stick 'n puck. Stick 'em up. Up the ante. Lock and load. Follow your nose. Follow your heart. Location, location, location. Wrap it up. (Remember that one.) Pick your nose. Know your shit. Start the stopwatch. Watch my back. Watch your back. Fly the coop. Storm the barricades. Press your luck. Pass the buck. What the fuck? No such luck. Back me up. Spank the monkey. Choke your chicken. Bleed my lizard. Maintain your buzz. Kill your buzz. Buzz the tower. Past the post. You're an idiot. I've had enough. I gotta go. Just one mo'.

I got 3 words for you...

Go fuck yourself. Shall we begin? Let's get started. Drop the needle. Drop dead gorgeous. Drop your drawers. Give and go. Go away home. Bow your head. Let us pray. Praise the Lord. Fuck the world. Wear a condom. Blow me dry. Call me dusty. Feel my pain. Settle the score. Nice putt, Alliss. No means no. Four more years. Bait and switch. Shake your booty. Catch and release. Compile a list. Stock the shelves. No parking anytime. Check the facts. Walk the walk. Talk the talk. Release the hounds. Settle the score. Bone up, baby. Set the table. Suck my wake. Eat my dust. Eat my shit. Eat my pussy. Butter your muffin. Steal the show. Fuck my pussy. Fuck me harder. No means harder. Wives and girlfriends. Sign here, please. Watch your mouth. Follow my lead. Follow the leader. Turn it up. Tune in tomorrow. Answer the phone. Pull the trigger. Pull my finger. Pull a prank. Pull no punches. Spike the punch. Punch the clock. Punch and Judy. Shirk your responsibility. Clean your clock. Wag the dog. Fuck the dog. Screw the pooch. Frequently Asked Questions. Swallow your pride. Pride and prejudice. Lessen the blow. At all costs. To the finish. Make ends meet. Shut your hole. Shut the door. Just shut up. Fly the coop. Fly the skies. Skis 'n boots. Boots or Hearts. Trip and fall. Call the number. Eat my pussy. Join the forces. Fshizzle my dizzle. Rub my back. Here, drink this. Smoke my pole. Burp and fart. Call the cops. Here I am. Where are you? Over the moon. Over the mountain. Get over yourself. Get a life. Close the door. Open a window. Light a match. Spin the wheel. I miss you. I love you. Hugs and kisses. Rape and pillage. Spit or swallow. Coffee or tea. Cash or credit. Red or white. She's a beauty. Take a chance. Live it up. Just do it. This is stupid. Consider the facts. What's the plan?Leave your mark. Take a picture. Read my lips. Pull a prank. Run with it. Go for it. Sink the ship. Buy a vowel. Let it ride. Let 'er rip. Tip a cow. Tip your server. Get me one. Take a shit. Drop a load. Float a log. Float a tuna. Root beer float. Ebony and Ivory. Cream and sugar. Bob and weave. Hit and run. Mix it up. Let me out. Dare to compare. Chew the fat. Shoot the breeze. Shoot the shit. Shoot the moon. Shoot the messenger. File a complaint. Count your blessings. Write this down. Put it away. Put it in. Slide it in. Lick it up. Spark it up. All lit up. Heaven's on fire. Snap, Crackle, Pop. A sizable donation. Flip the bird. Gain your composure. Clean your plate. Clean your clock. Clean your room. Room to move. The big picture. Flush the toilet. Brush your teeth. Powder your nose. Run for it. Cut the cord. Boil some water. Break the chain. Break a leg. Break the monotony. Break and enter. Ain't my job. Ain't my kid. Ain't my problem. Ain't love grand? Rest in peace. It's 'Go' time. Send a text. File under 'G'. Open it up. Ask your mum. Shake the bug. Rock the establishment. Rock the boat. Rock the vote. Rock and Roll. Who's bot tickets? Stir the pot. Pile it on. Chuck you, Farley. Ham it up. Ham and Swiss. Hammy the hamster. Stop the presses. Cut your losses. Cut it out. Cut the cord. Boil some water. Stand and deliver. Hustle and flow. Twist and shout. Dog eat dog. Hang 'em high. Till the end. In the end. End it now. Our dearly departed. With deepest regret. Get a job. Cut your hair. Ride to live. Live to ride. Around the bend. Down the street. Down a beer. Run with it. On the run. Runnin' on empty. Fire it up. Have a pull. Take a drag. Cross your legs. Follow that car. In the end. At the drive-in. Way back when. Fix your hair. Fix your package. Get your fix. Jump the fence. Jump the shark. Jump your bones. Blow your wad. Blow your nose. Blow your man. Light it up. Time will tell. Follow your nose. Lick your wounds. Lickin' my chops. A better offer. Or best offer. Tax and tip. Tax and spend. Go for it. Ride the rocket. Yo Yo Yo. Yo Yo Ma. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk. Up your kilt. Send a card. File your taxes. Step on it. Spare some change? Change your underwear. Buy and sell. Crash and burn. At your request. Available upon request. Jerk yourself off. Sit 'n spin. Stop and go. Stop the insanity. Jump for joy. Hail a cab. Cop a feel. Cops and robbers. Go to bed. Binge and purge. Grievous Bodily Harm. Stop that man. I hear ya. As per you. Flip 'em over. Spruce it up. Fuck it up. Fuck it altogether. Blow your mind. Ready, Aim, Fire. Ready the troops. Take your man. Cover your man. Shave your pussy. Shave her pussy. Suck my balls. Break a leg. Slice of bread. Bread and water. Bottle of pop. Bag of chips. Pop and chips. Fork and knife. Spaghetti and meatballs. Fish and chips. Burger and fries. HP and CB. Fuck me now. Fuck me hard. Cut the crap. Cut the lawn. Rake the lawn. Mow the lawn. Push it in. Pull it out. Pull the shoot. Pull your goalie. Pulled pork sandwiches. Flash your badge. Flash your tits. Whip 'em out. Shake 'em, baby. Stir the pot. Smoke some pot. Pot-bellied pig. Smoke my pole. Roll a joint. Puff, puff, pass. Pass the puck. Stick and puck. Stick 'em up. Up the ante. Lock and load. Follow your nose. Follow your heart. Location, location, location. Wrap it up. (Remember that one.) Pick your nose. Know your shit. Start the stopwatch. Butter your muffin. Watch my back. Watch your back. Fly the coop. Storm the barricades. Press your luck. Pass the buck. What the fuck? No such luck. Fuck the dog. Screw the pooch. Know your shit. Back me up. Drop me off. Drop the needle. Spank the monkey. Choke your chicken. Bleed my lizard. Maintain your buzz. Kill your buzz. Buzz the tower. Give and go. Past the post. You're an idiot. I've had enough. I gotta go. Just one mo'.